Karlyl's Theories on World Domination: Angst, Obsessions and Kenshin

Have you ever wanted something? Desired a thing, an object, a person, an idea even–so much that you felt hollow?

What always bothers me about desires is the capacity or lack of, to fulfil them. For me there have been few people who I’ve wanted to know, truly, in my life. I’ve always depended on the haphazard ‘let them fall into my lap’ type of syndrome. I’ve never sought out anyone in my life, for friendship or intimacy–they’ve always just shown up. And I suppose this has spoiled me. I’ve forgotten how to meet people. And things–lordy, things are the simplest and most complicated in some ways–because things lead to all. Things help to define a person to others–things provide a false sense of worth and a lack of things opens the doors to sadness and unhappiness, if we don’t take notice of it. For example–I have absolutely craved the Samurai X/ Rurouni Kenshin dvds. I’ve foamed at the mouth and downright almost through a tantrum when I had money to spend and couldn’t find the two OAVs that I had never really seen ( only a bit of it) but had spurred me headfirst into the fandom of Kenshin. When I couldn’t find those dvds, I was annoyed and even more annoyed, if that’s ever possible. Then I was sad, because I was truly wanted to see them and have them and I and I and I and--- good god, I wanted them. Then I came to my senses–because I was absolutely obsessing.

No, obsessing isn’t new for me. It’s not a stalker type of obsession, or the type where I forget to eat because of it–I’ve never been like that. No, it’s more my imagination. It develops obsession of its own, the kind that eats and knaws at you, especially when you try to deny it. I’ve always been able to contain my obsessionistic imagination–especially in regards to people. Obsession is dangerous when attached to people. It’s dangerous when attached to ideas, too, but I’ll talk about that later.

Because my problem is that I’m obsessing over a person. Or more so, the fact that I will never ever be able to know this person.

I’ve come to this realization in the past day or so–I spent two days as a rabid fangirl before I smacked myself stupid and regained what sense of sanity I was born with. But I wanted to weep when I realized that what bothered me so was the fact that because I’m not within that social circle, I’ll never have an opportunity. It completely tore at me and I was so angry, so sad, so devastated by that simple reality. It was good that I saw Justine later that day–she always makes me happy. I wish I knew more people like her.

But back to the topic. You know, I suppose all of us hope that the object of our obsessions, especially when they are in a different social circle and don’t even know you breathe let alone exist–we hope that we’ll be sitting in that random coffee shop in Santa Monica or somewhere equivalent, minding our own business, sipping that café mocha or whatnot–and they’ll just be there. And you’ll lock eyes and smile and whoo! Contact! And then, happily ever after. I’m not talking in necessarily a romantic sense–I’m talking in all senses. I mean, what a trip it would be to be able to chat with someone like Socrates (although I’m convinced I would opt to shoot him and his cohorts after a bit of his rambles)–and be on a casual friendly basis with him! I swear, I’d just die! ( or he would…)

I think I’m just sad, because the object of my obsession will never know me. And I will never meet them. And we’ll never grouch at each other and complain about idiots waking people up at four in the morning. Or compare notes on most dysfunctional families. And at this point, I am so much more aware now of this fact, that reality, as we know it, sucks much booty.

But back to obsessions. See? Obsessing over people turns into angsting and angsting lasts for absolute days, let me tell you. And that leads to depressing---it’s a vicious cycle. I have never obsessed in regards to a single person before. At least, a single living person. And hope is a killer in this regard. Because you just can’t help but hope. It’s so ingrained into our human nature, that I will probably forever hope to have a chance to know this person. You see, if I can have the single chance ( and not botch it up) to know this person–a t least then I can say truly ‘They’re nice, but we don’t mesh too well’. Right now, that’s just one of those ‘ice skating in hell’ reasons–you know the kind–absolutely false, you know it, everyone else knows it and good god, the truth hurts.

I said before that people tend to ‘drop into my lap’. So I’m spoiled. I don’t work to get specific people as friends–which is why obsessing over people I will never meet bothers me so much. And is so dangerous, in my mind. You see, the zany thought to up and research the person has crossed my mind on eighteen occasions and that, my friends, is frightening. Because I’d be thoroughly spooked if someone researched me. So I’d never want to do it anyone else. But the temptation--- oh! It’s there, so easy to just do.

If I ever get to that point, I hope someone beats the crap out of me.

Argh, it’s so annoying, this stupid desire to meet this person. And it’s just not meet–it’s get to know them! You see, you go through this menstrual cycle from hell where you want, want, want and you crave, crave, crave and then you doubt, doubt, doubt and then you either want to cry or kill. All because you think ‘ I want to meet this person’ and then ‘if I meet this person, they’re not gonna ever want to know me because I’m not good enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not enough’ and then you just want to scream.

See, it’s these thoughts that lead to the desire to do research. If I can just be here, at this time and look just so…

Obsession with people is dangerous. And there’s no twelve step program for it–it just is. And only you can get yourself over it.

But I suppose the question is, do I really want to get over it? I’ve been hearing lately a lot about life. And how life is about doing. See, this is where I start wondering–maybe this is where I need to be proactive. Status is one thing, but people are people. Because I will never know if I don’t do something right? If I don’t try…if I don’t make the effort…

Right?

See. I told you obsession was dangerous.

I’m not a fangirl. Not really. Well. Okay. I think Patrick Stewart is the best thing since sliced bread. BUT, I’m not this other person’s fangirl. I’m just…interested. Somehow, my interest has been peaked and I want to know more…but about the person. Not what they do, or where they live and if they think I look good in red and may I have their children? No, I just want to ask " If you were a goat herder, what would be the highlight of your day?", and have them answer me, "Getting attacked by the goats and running down the hill butt nekkid."

Oh yes. And if they can cook. I like learning other people’s recipes.