Karlyl's Theories on World Domination: Lost in Pursuit of Greatness

This is me, being who I am.

Finding myself has been something that has been weighing on my mind and heart heavily, as of late. I feel pretty lost—as if I’m waiting expectantly for something. I’ve got so many ideas and dreams—I want them, but I have no idea of how to get them. I’ve got a good job—it seems like they approve of me being there and that I help them with stuff. I feel stifled there—but maybe it’s more a result of my feeling of being lost.

Do you know what it’s like to feel absolutely confused? I’ve felt like this before—when I suddenly , well, dropped out of LMU, for lack of a better term. But unlike that lost sick feeling then, I feel more like I’m supposed to do something.

I have ideas. I have lots of them—stuff for a company called Haven, Inc – it’s a place to support artists, just coming up into the world, with resources and more. I want an animation group—called the Half-way House. I bet that’s copyrighted, heh. But I want to have a place that gets funding to help people—animators, do their dreams and their projects—focusing more on artistic license and not on money—this is for the festivals and those can appreciate it. I want to be a director – it’s something I’m more and more, everyday, wanting to do. I suppose I should just, well, _do_ it. I’ll have to admit, I’m one of those easily distracted and lazy types. Great ideas and no gumption.

My dad sometimes scares me. He’s really driven—he asks me how will this help the people? And I get scared, because then I wonder how exactly entertainment helps people become better—how it solves their problems. I figure a message can be put out to the public through entertainment….but I can’t say I know for sure. And that scares me. Like my dad, I do believe I should be doing something that helps others.

But _this_...art and directing…_that_ is something that I know I am in synch with. I could be good at it.

I want to do it, but feel stifled and obligated to finish the biochemistry stuff I started. It’s taken me a while to think that I _could_ finish it.

In many ways…I hope that I’ll get an in somewhere, some door that’s going to be opened for me and I can bust my way through, then. Just a crack is all I need.

You know, I looked at the stuff some directors have said about directing. How they just, picked up a camera. My background is in art and animation—sketching, painting, character designing, storyboarding, etc. All of which, I’ve basically worked out for myself, with the few animation classes that I’ve taken. How does this translate over to live action movie directing? There’s so much I want to know and need to learn, however, there are looming things around me—like money and time. I don’t have either. So I make a descent living—that’s nice. My credit is messed up as a result of a lot of things—I’m working on getting it back to par. But still---- the crap that has happened will haunt me for a little bit.

But maybe I’m just not willing to offer up the time and the money. Maybe I don’t really want it.

No. I refuse to believe I’ve gotten all these little things here and there that blow my mind and make my imagination go wild—only to say it doesn’t matter? That’s it’s not my gift and calling in life?

No, I can’t believe that. I’m a firm believer that God has a purpose and plan for us—something that suits us—not something that we detest day to day. God knows everything about us—he created us—he should, of course, then know what suits us best, you know? Now I’m aware that not everyone believes in God…but I do. And I know that I just have to trust him and be patient with eyes wide open. Because I don’t want to miss his nudgings and his opportunities.
I was talking to my father animatedly about a film once, and he said “You should see your face. You’ve lit up.” And I stared at him. It was same way when I told him about Haven. He said “Can you feel it? There’s something important to your ideas.” And then, I also just stared at him. Both times, I’ve just smiled.

I’ve always known I had purpose, someway, somehow. I never knew what it was. But if I’ve got this _thing_ deep in my chest, further than my heart, further than my soul, deep within the core of my spirit, it can’t be nothing. So I can’t give up on this—no matter how lost I feel.

It’s funny. The more I’ve written, the more determined and the less lost I feel.

It’s like God, I guess. Sometimes, we drift away from what we believe and then we come back and it’s like meeting up with family all over again and there’s a sense of rightness. Sometimes, we drift away again, but then, this time, we start coming back—and it’s different this time. This time, there’s a sense of you’re coming into what it is that you’re supposed to be doing here. And this feeling deep inside—in your belly, kind’ve leaps and quivers. Anticipation. It’s isn’t the heart that cries out in joy…it’s the spirit, that rests in the belly of the being.

Who am I, I’ve been asking.

I am just a girl, I’ve been saying.

But no. It’s more than that. I am someone who’s going somewhere to do something great. I’m going to be one of the people in this world that steps into my purpose—the thing that I’m supposed to be doing. I’m going to make it there. I’m not going to take forever to do it. And I’m going to help others do the same.

My thoughts about what is considered great is summed up in a small way: Greatness is fulfillment of purpose. I see the man who smiles at another person and makes them forget that their life is horrid as a great man. To me, saying “Have faith, hold your chin high, you are someone” – that’s a form of greatness. Greatness is a small act that has large impact. Greatness is something that can be done many, many times. There’s no limit on greatness---you can do it all the time.

I want to be great.

Being famous and being great are two different things. I don’t care about fame. But I want to be great.